Thursday, 21 July 2011

To Be or Not To Be...

ThisVideo is a remix of my track "You're the very definition" (By Michael Baines) which ought to cement my credentials with regards attitude towards the monstrous nature of the TV industry.

But now I have an offer to consider, so I thought I might as well blog about it and see if I can decide through the power of collective wisdom.

Magnum TV have expressed their first level of interest in using me on their forth coming Sky 1 talent competition. Why would I even consider this?

I may well be a curmudgeonly aging barren man, but I am as haunted by my future as the next man. As a photographer I regularly steal from myself moments I may overwise have experienced, in order to create some permament record. I am forever foisting my pictures off on to my friends, in the hope they will be hung on walls and occassionally noticed - so that in some way I can transcend the limits of my geography and chronology. One day I want to be a famous corpse.

The same is true of my performance work. I only do it to insinuate myself into the lives of others. To try to make it normal to be me. To give my thoughts and words a validity. At christmas I was on Sky Showcase II - allegedly to 30,000 viewers. What ever little sense my work may contain, it is a potent brew when multiplied by 30,000. The allure is inescapable.

I believe it is perfectly valid for a performer to seek radio and television exposure. The sex pistols famously did exactly that. Clearly I don't want to bend over for a spit rotating by the Cowell/Walsh cabal, but equally I ain't ever going to find myself with a cosy spot on one of the Radio 4 poetry programmes - not even in these enlightened times that have put JCC on the school English syllabus.

So there's my dilemma. Do I risk being caught up in some obscene industry gang bang with me as the cum bucket in order to participate in something that might, just might, be handled with decorum? After all, the bastards managed to make that Victoria Coren quiz show about copnnections (I think it was called Only Connect). And Charlie Brooker used to be good. And I should have the job that crap poet had with Brooker. And there's money. I could do with some money as it happens.

They go to great lengths to explain there's no judging panel, no telephone votes (the cheap bastards). The studio audience have voting buttons. I can split a room so it would be touch and go, but I don't mind being judged by the audience so much. I've had some heady run ins around the pubs of London on that score. I reckon I can just about handle failure. Just so long as they don't film me in a way that makes me look like a scary peadophile santa - which of course they might.

So what do you reckon? Should I get entangled with this or not? Will you still love your GameCat if I do and it all goes horribly wrong?

If I do and I win it, I'll buy all contributors a pint. Unless I don't, if this post goes stupid viral...

Saturday, 28 May 2011

You are not alone

Why my poetry isn’t comedy and why I should be on Breakfast TV

It seems I can split a room as easily as if I were to try to split my girl’s twat in twain with my curious chopper.

And I hope with that I have set the tone. Some of ya will have stopped reading already. Good. You’re one less bigot to worry about.

In my opening I first state one short concrete fact: as a performer I can split a room. I then wrap this in a lugubrious almost animated grotesquery. The main points all snap into focus by the alliteration: Twat in Twain, Curious Chopper – and their rhythmic spacing makes them comic.

In short, entertaining.

Ha, but now I have to think about the bigots who may be reading on. “There are some things you’re not allowed to say”. The imagery is certainly somewhat challenging, especially considering the furore my fellow poet Ernesto has stirred up over the appropriateness of representing consensual rape. But this is a pretty throwaway line – they get deeper into the darkness than that. Consider the full lyric of my newest:

You know it’s not a good day
when you start it digging graves.


Dear mortician
I need a remind-ah
Do me a favour
And gently scalp her
It's okay, it need not show
For you can take it
From down below

I said I would love her
For ever and a day
I meant I would love her
From beyond the grave
Please please help me
Misbehave
Let me fuck her
Before she decays

Dear gynaecologist
I need me a hole
Some where suitable
To stick my pole
My mummified cock
Her charcoal chasm
She rigor mortised
When I spasmed

Dear taxidermist
I need a loving look
But her eyes have
Turned to puss
Let me help you
Stuff her up
Just about ripe for
A skull fuck

I said I would love her
For ever and a day
I meant I would love her
From beyond the grave
Please please help me
Misbehave
Let me fuck her
Before she decays

I wanna fuck her before she decays
I wanna fuck her before she decays
I wanna fuck her before she decays
I wanna fuck her till the end of days


This is me pretty much at the top of my game, as it stands. Now okay, you don’t have to be a bigot to feel uneasy about some of the imagery I use here, or even about the concept of consensual necrophilia. Somebody asked me how was it even possible, I reminded him that you get pre-nup agreements easily – it’d be kind of the same thing.

But actually, I don’t even know if the concept of consensual necrophilia exists in the landscape of current sexual fetishism. It turns out it is in there. I’ve just read this:

I affirm that it should be lawful for those of the legal age of consent, whilst still living, to give and record consent for posthumous sexual acts to be performed on their bodies and for these wishes to be honoured. Or in other words, for people to will their bodies to necrophiles.

So that’s an interesting point. No ideas are unique. Whatever fancy, depraved or otherwise, I dream up there will be swarms of dysfunctional people already doing it. Try it now, google the most impossible thing you can imagine. You are not alone. Tolerance breeds peace, actually. Proximity fosters tolerance. Not in a bleeding hearted do goody hippy way. I wouldn’t condone setting all the rapists free. But it is incontrovertible that we must seek understanding.

So to my mind, when considering subjects worthy of exposure, no subject is taboo. Sometimes this gets me into trouble, and I can certainly split a room.

Then there is the question of the style of the subject’s treatment. Some things need to be handled sensitively, apparently. To be honest though, I’ve by and large had my fill of bleeding poets. Not all poets by any means, just the bleeding ones. For too long poets have lumbered in the realms of the intellectuals and the empathics. They exhort us to “think about it”, or to “imagine if...”. These are reconstructive processes for the audience. I believe live performance should touch you a little more intimately than that. Live performance gives us the power not to re-present but to create.

The grotesque imagery and comedic stress points are supposed to work together to create a brand new experience in the room. I don’t want you to think about consensual necrophilia. I don’t want you to imagine what it would be like to be grave raped. I want you to feel as though a grave rape is happening right there, right then. I think that way, we get to peek through our limits and understand the world the better for it.

Friday, 1 April 2011

The Maven

Last night I stumbled upon an online poetry collective who have decided to each write a poem a day everyday throughout April.

The thunderous dunderheads, my very first thought.

Why would they do that? Sure, to be a writer you have to write. And I suppose practice makes perfect. And there must be all kinds of other easy idioms to make them feel terribly proud, nay, worthy.

But writing doesn’t mean to mechanically churn out string upon string of semi-connect words and thoughts dredged up from some passing fancy. Oh, it’s spring! I can well imagine some of the dross that dredges up.

I am truly sick of beautiful words.

The best ideas are public property. They come to you as a consequence of living through a life. However smart, trained, poetical, you may be the thoughts rattling around in your own little head don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.
Well, perhaps that’s harsh. But because subconscious processing is not something that runs to the timelines of the physical body it is inescapable that the majority of works ‘composed’ under such a regime will be wholly self-imagined. The arrogance of it. The thunderous dunderheads.

Of course, it isn’t so much arrogance as commerce. The seeking of a cheap headline. The opportunity to embalm those dead words in to a commodity, a pamphlet. Something for the CV.

So here’s mine for day one. I do not know as yet if there will be one for day two. But possibly. I do intend on taking a long tube journey tomorrow...


The Maven

Why not write a daily poem-a-day?
Suddenly words are so throw away.
Carve out space where you can sit and wait
For a clue to what you want to say

The spirit of this thing's so profound
Ideas are won more than they're found
Infernos rage from the slightest spark
The poet's abyss is never far.

When words move in abstract sullen moods
They likely proselytise for to you
Why not write a daily poem-a-day?
Perhaps because I ain't so vain

You must be some kind of great maven
To promise daily poetic ravings

Sunday, 6 March 2011

On Composition and Meaning

First Published Journal of Visual Literacy, Volume 23, Number 2;

Lessons Learnt 2 - Edward Weston

Drawing inspiration from past masters and showing contemporary application. Part 2

Lessons Learnt 1 - Henri Cartier-Bresson

Drawing inspiration from past masters and showing contemporary application. Part 1, timing

Saturday, 11 August 2007

Basic Contrast 2

The previous article on ‘Basic Contrast’ concentrated on fundamental definitions and concepts and considered the effect of a single contrast grade upon the tones of an image. This article explores contrast in greater detail so that it can be used as a creative tool rather than a strict technical requirement.
At a technical level the correct grade for a print is that which most closely matches the contrast gradient of the negative. Knowing the negative contrast gradient however requires an expensive densitometer. It is such equipment that allows automated lab processing to produce acceptable prints. But this is not a route to creating a fine print. It is just another piece of equipment that can help, but has similar limitations to the more humble exposure meter. It is probably a good thing that densitometers are expensive, as this means they are rarely used and so at some point all printers have to come to terms with the principles of contrast grade.
Photography is typically taught as a set of rules, or more usually adages, with the diktat that all rules can – and by inference must – be broken. It is possible to print acceptably by following the ‘expose for shadows, print for highlights’ adage, but this doesn’t provide a basis for understanding. To understand contrast grade it has to be seen in action. Variable contrast (VC) papers are an excellent medium for this, they allow for contrast experimentation while allowing all other factors (negative, exposure, chemicals, temperature, paper batch etc) to be kept absolutely constant.

VC papers are often described as containing two emulsion layers, one being of a soft grade and one of a hard grade. This is slightly confusing as it creates a vision of there being an upper and a lower layer, whereas the two emulsions are in fact an homogenous, single layer, mixture. Soft and hard grade silver-salt grains lying side-by-side throughout. The two grain types are sensitised by different wavelengths (colours) of light, typically blue and green. A high contrast print is achieved by exposure to blue light and a low contrast print by exposure to green light. Intermediate grades are produced by balancing blue and green light in different proportions. Because the emulsions are mixed (not layered) it doesn’t matter if the two exposures are delivered together or sequentially. If the exposures are delivered sequentially it doesn’t matter in what order they are applied. Typically the two exposures are delivered together, through a single filter say. It is possible though to expose only the hard contrast salts with a grade 5 filter and then to expose only the soft contrast salts through a grade 00 filter. The practical impact of this is that a print can be made from two (or more) sequential exposures at different grades. This is the basis of the split-grade printing process.
To build-up an understanding of how contrast grades work the analysis tools within Adobe Photoshop™ will be used. In plate 1 the histograms for two single grade prints are shown.

Plate 1: Print Analysis

For the purpose of comparison the two prints have been made at the same relative exposure (allowing for the different filter factors). Clearly from an artistic viewpoint the grade 0 print is too dark, even though the average (mean) density of the two prints is roughly equivalent – as indicated in the histogram statistics. The median densities are significantly different, due to the change in contrast. The standard deviation (SD) is an expression of how the histogram spreads out from the mean. The high SD at grade 5 states that most of the tones lay a long way from the mean-point, as might be expected from the tonal scales shown in the basic contrast article. Median and SD are convenient measures of contrast and will help in confirming the fine-scale adjustments that split-grade printing can introduce.
Such strict analytical methods are of limited value in day-to-day darkroom work, but do provide a very compelling view of the effect of contrast shifts. It is a worthwhile exercise to produce such a comparison as it clearly reveals the nature of differing contrasts within a particular darkroom process. The method is relatively straightforward:
  • Produce the comparison prints at the same exposures, allowing for any difference in effective paper speed if using filtration for contrast shifts.
  • Scan each print ensuring that any ‘auto tone’ is disabled during the scan and that the black, mid, and white points are set to the same value for both scans.
  • Call up the histogram view for the first print and take a screenshot (Ctrl+PrtScr on a Windows™ machine)
  • Put the screenshot into an image file by selecting File->New in Photoshop, the image shape will default to match the screenshot which is on the clipboard.
  • Select Edit->Paste to place the screen shot into the new image.
  • Crop the screenshot image to include just the histogram. Repeat for the second print so that the two histograms are available in two image windows. These can now be saved as files.
  • To overlay the histograms for better comparison drag the base layer from one histogram image into the second, lining the two histograms up. Set the blend mode for the (new) second layer to ‘Linear Dodge’ and the opacity to 50% so that the two histograms merge in a way that reveals the shape of both.
Now that a means to compare the contrast of two prints has been established it is possible to look at the split-grade method in detail and to demonstrate the effect in a non-subjective way.
The opening image in this article (Snowy Owl) is a good example for showing the application of split-grade printing as it exhibits clear contrast difficulties. Very fine highlight detail exists in the ‘white’ face feathers, but good tonal separation is wanted to emphasise the patterns on the back and wings. The face suggests a very low contrast grade whilst the rest of the image suggests a much higher grade.

The final image was produced with grades 1 and 5. The exposure at grade 5 was chosen such that this grade would not interfere with effect created by the grade 1 print. The grade 5 test strip was made across the face and the last strip at which little or no detail could be discerned was selected for the grade 5 time. The grade 1 test strip was also made across the face, this time the strip selected was that which gave the desired detail without introducing too many greys into the face. Plate 2 shows these two opening exposures.

Plate 2: The Initial Low & High  Grade Exposures

These two exposures were then combined into a single print, as at the head of this article. In this application the split-grade printing method has been used in order to quickly derive the required contrast range.

Instead of deriving the grade by trial and error we have considered how the properties of two, extreme, grades can be mixed to achieve the visualised result. Firstly we asked, what is the maximum exposure at a very low grade that will give the desired highlight exposure? Secondly we asked, what is the minimum exposure at a very high grade that does not interfere with the highlights? Plate 3 shows the histograms for the two exposures overlaid and the minimum interference between the exposures is evident. In effect instead of trying to resolve one complex question (which grade to use) the split-grade method applied in this way has allowed us to approach the print in terms of two simple questions (the exposure questions just stated).

Plate 3: Overlay of low & high exposure histograms

The two exposures were both made for 16 seconds at f/5.6. Due to the difference in the paper speed at the different, filtered, grade levels this means that the print received effective exposures of 16 and 8 seconds for grade 1 and grade 5 – the paper is half the speed when filtered for grade 5 than grade 1. So two-thirds of the exposure was given at grade 1 and one-third of the exposure was given at grade 5. The contrast ranges at these two grades are 130 and 40 respectively (from the manufacturer’s data). The contrast range of the final print then is:


Contrast Range 100 is equivalent to grade 2.5 (again, from the manufacturers data). The final split-grade print then is similar to a single grade print made at grade 2.5 with a 24 second exposure. It is unlikely that the differences between the split and single grade print will be apparent in reproduction, so Plate 4 shows the histograms arising from such prints. The single grade print is to the left and the split-grade print to the right.

Plate 4: Single vs. Split-Grade Histograms

The two prints are remarkably similar, but they are not identical. The peaks in the histogram of the split grade print are slightly more pronounced, indicating that the tonal separation is slightly sharper. It may very well be extremely difficult to look at a print and spot this effect, but that in itself is not reason to discount the method. The finest prints are built up from a series of steps that individually cause difficult to discern differences, but when all the tools at the printer’s disposal are used together the cumulative effect is significant.
It has been shown that the split-grade technique can help to find the appropriate grade by working with the way in which extreme grades can be mixed without interference. It has also been shown that the split-grade technique can yield equivalently graded prints to those made from single step exposures, but the split grade variants can exhibit greater ‘definition’, achieved through enhanced tonal separation.

Other applications of the split-grade printing technique are:
  • Add punch to the very lowest tones of any print by making 10 to 20% of the
    overall exposure at the maximum grade.
  • Add detail to very delicate highlights, without forcing those highlights to weak
    grey, by making 10 to 20% of the print at the minimum grade.
  • If necessary use three exposures to achieve both of the above.
  • Apply an effect selectively. E.g. Diffusing shadows only – adding a print
    diffusion filter during short high-grade exposure will provide focus
    softened shadows with little or no effect on mid and high tones.